Is there something I’m trying to get away from?

By not allowing to feel connected to the land I was born in, am I avoiding something that is pushing to get exposed?

Here I am. Sitting on top of a mountain. The snow is being whirled through the air sideways. It’s cold. It’s white. It’s beautiful. It’s not home.

A friend has recently made a comment that hit home deep within me. And I have since been reflecting on that. What exactly was it, that felt like truth was being spoken when my friend said that perhaps there is something I am wanting to get away from. And that I might have to allow for it to be exposed.

At first, my reaction was like, yes of course, I want to get away from narrow minded people. From the pressure society puts upon me. From the lack of smiles. From the cold - not just physically, but also emotionally. From the grind. From having to pay pension. Save money. Take responsibility for my life. Because people in my home country are VERY responsible.

But then at second thought, I realised that all those patterns are within me too. To whatever extent. I’m being mirrored strongly when I’m here. It’s where my ancestors are from. My family. My roots of this physical body. I was born and raised here. Naturally, I am to have adopted these patterns. They might have weakened since I don’t live here in anymore. But does me being here trigger something within me because of the strong mirror?

On that note, please know that I’m aware this is a very gross over-generalisation. And I’m also aware that we encounter all sorts of people from all sorts of walks of life and levels of open-mindedness EVERYWHERE. So why do I feel so strongly about it in my home country? Why am I being triggered so much here?

Frankly, I almost feel a sense of superiority when I get to answer that I haven’t lived here in a while. Gosh, the Ego. Why is that? Why do I feel like I don’t want to be put into the same box with “them”? Me vs Them? What an illusion. I know that intellectually. And yet, I feel the separation so strongly. My home country doesn’t feel like home. It hasn’t in so long, that I struggle connecting with it every time I return.

My only sense of belonging manifests when I’m with my family and closest friends. And yet, even with some of these dear friends I feel the distance. I love them. I care about them. But I also feel disconnected. And I keep excusing that with the fact that many of them have a family now, beautiful babies and a very settled life. Am I feeling superior yet again? Am I feeling smug about my freedom?

Who am I trying to prove something to?

Myself. I’m trying to prove to myself that I’m NOT like them. That I am not narrow-minded. Not inflexible. Not dependent on society. Not part of the grind. (And yet here I am working my bottom off on the ski slope).

Is that why I keep returning without actually wanting to? Is there a lesson here to be learned? Facing the mirror this place is holding up for me so relentlessly and persistently. The mirror of recognisable patterns. The mirror of no separation. The mirror of sameness. The mirror of connection.

What would happen if I allowed for the connection to blossom again? Perhaps, I’m scared that I might enjoy it. What would it take to make that connection come to fruition? Open-mindedness. Being open for whatever is arising, within me and with others, and meeting it with love and compassion. Did I say I felt like I wasn’t narrow-minded? Well, scrap that.

How do I allow myself to feel the roots of my physical body, the sprouts from the earth of the land I was born in?

This digs deeper than just wandering around barefoot grounding my energies and connecting with the earth. These are roots I need to dig up deep within me. Somewhere somehow there is such a strong resistance to recognising that I am one and the same with all the beautiful people in this extraordinarily beautiful country.

I’ve always had such a strong sense of gratitude for the blessed life that I live. For being born in this home land of mine. For having such strong support around me of family and friends that I love dearly. And this remains unchanged. Love and care for the people, the land and everything it offers me has and will always be there. But the sense of separation puts a small dark shadow on my love and gratitude for my land and its people.

Because regardless of how I choose to live my life. Here or there. In the grind or outside. Saving money or spending. Travelling or settling - it has nothing to do whatsoever with the sense of connection with this land and its people that I know I have the ability and capacity for.

And with that, once again, I’m filled with a sense of immense gratitude for where I am right now. In this moment. On top of that mountain. In the midst of a snowstorm. Because I live. I breathe. And I am provided for. Surrounded by people that love me. People that care about me. Thank you - yes, YOU!