This world is one huge Patriarchy Party. And I never consciously realised it. And no, I haven’t become a Feminist. But I woke up to my feminine body. My feminine emotions. My feminine energies.
I remember how it wasn’t a big deal when my moon visited me for the first time. It was just what is was. A little pain, a little bleeding, a little padding. A little acknowledging. Not much talking about it. My body changed. Curves started showing. Boys started noticing. I was mainly excited about wearing bras. But I never connected deeper with my feminine body. What did the moon cycle mean? What comes with being a woman? How can I access the sacred feminine powers?
And with curves - I realise now only in hindsight- my body started to get sexualised. And technically that’s a very natural thing. Boys and girls become pubescent and hormones take over. The thirst for sexual experience and an innate urge to reproduce becomes active. But it also conditioned a certain way in my mind about the dynamic between men and women. Sexually speaking in the world I grew up in, a woman is in some ways regarded as an object for the man’s pleasure. Yes, certain men care about the woman’s pleasure, but it’s to get done with quickly for them to get their well deserved fix. Orgasm and ejaculation are the ultimate goal of a sexual interaction. So that was my sexual experience - from the very first to the most recent, before I started to become a lot more aware of not only my feminine body, but also the expansive sexual connection that is possible between men and women. But that’s for another time and another post.
I want to address something that has been very eye-opening for me in the recent months.
I had been on contraception since about the age of sixteen. Starting with the anti-baby pill (don’t you think the name is pretty cruel?), then changing to a seemingly “lighter” version which was a vaginal hormonal ring. And then I got a hormonal coil inserted (one of the most painful experiences of my life). I was aware throughout all those years that I’m adding artificial hormones to my body and I’ve always believed that whatever isn’t naturally meant to happen can’t be good, in the short or the long run. But I never questioned it more deeply as that’s the way everyone was doing it. There wasn’t an alternative really, except for condoms. But especially when you’re in a longterm committed relationship, that’s less than ideal.
I never questioned that my moon cycles got completely messed up - to the point of non-existence. Surely, there is a reason for our bodies to have certain natural mechanisms in place - Nature is smart. But hey, we think we know better. We always do until we don’t.
After almost fifteen years of being on contraception came the moment when I went to see a Healer Guru in India just with general curiosity, nothing specific to be addressed. Having only offered my name and where I’m from he asked me if I menstruate. I thought that was a slightly weird ice-breaker. At that time I hadn’t in over two years, so I denied. He went on to say that there is something foreign in my womb space that is blocking the energy flow in my body. Woah. It hit me like a wall. I explained to him the concept of a hormonal coil. He didn’t even know there was such a thing as contraception. Well, of course, how would he. I was completely left in awe of this man who, knowing only my name and not a thing about contraception, found something massively wrong with the way I had completely changed the wonderful workings of my feminine body.
I knew immediately that once I get back to Europe, as a very first thing before even allowing myself the coffee from my absolute favourite coffee shop ever, I will have my coil removed. So I did. It took six months for my body to find back to it’s moon cycle. A little longer still for it to be regular. That was exactly a year ago when my body was finally relieved of artificially added hormones. Relieved of working against nature. Relieved of having a plastic something sit in my sacred womb space. And since then everything has changed.
At the beginning there very subtle changes. I started to become a lot softer not only physically but energetically. All my life I had been thriving on high yang energies. Never yin. Never feminine and soft. Once my moon cycle started again after six months, I broke out into tears at the sense of an immense and profound connection that I felt not only with my body, but more specifically with the woman in me. With the sacred, beautiful, soft, gentle, nurturing, receiving energy of the feminine.
Since then it has been a continuous journey of rediscovering my sacred feminine. I feel sensual, beautiful, curvy and soft. I feel ecstatic about being a woman and holding secret feminine powers. The world needs more softness. More yin. Women in the patriarchic world are not allowed to be soft. We are raised to be yang. To compete. To become leaders, CEOs or president. Which can really only be achieved the masculine way. There is no space for emotions, feelings and softness when you’re at the top. So we forget. Women forget how to embody the beautiful gentle and yet so powerful traits a woman holds.
Realising my feminine side and allowing it to show proudly has been a journey of self-discovery and self-love. A journey of learning what I was never taught. The ways of the feminine.
In hindsight, I believe very very strongly that the contraceptives I had been on with all their effects on my body - especially stopping my moon cycles - was a huge contributor to my disconnection with the woman in me and with that, feeling sexually objectifying and controlled, feeling like I had to run, push, do and cultivate these masculine traits to make it in this patriarchic world ruled by men, hell even my body was yang. Muscular, skinny, strong, ripped. An ideal that many strive for, but I now know better.
My message for all the women reading this includes an invitation to reflect deeply on your current situation around sex, contraceptives and your connection to your moon and the sacred feminine energies within you. And if you resonate with my words trust me when I say having my moon cycles return was one of the most beautiful experiences of connection with my body I have ever felt in my life. And it has taken my sensuality, my sexuality and my orgasmic joy of living to a level never imagined.
If you feel called to explore on this further, I am here for you x
People coming and going.
Things taking new forms.
Energies aligning and parting.
Life in itself is impermanent. Birth. Breath. Death. Impermanence. And with the realisation of impermanence comes the lesson of non-attachment. Of cherishing each and every person, thing and situation for the beauty they are, the lessons they hold. But cultivating the ability to let go.
I have been called to reflect on impermanence deeply. On letting go. On cherishing the memories and living the energetic connection when loved ones leave. The thought that I might never see them again is painful and yet there is a nurturing feeling of what was and still is. The deep heart connection. A beautiful energy that transcends space and time.
I realise how for the last couple of years of me moving places so often and with that having to let go of being physically close to beloved ones, I have been in a space that I dare call detached indifference. Not that I didn't care about my dear friends and family, but I didn’t allow myself to feel. To feel the sadness when a person leaves. To feel the loneliness and the empty space they leave behind. To feel the craving for physical touch. To feel a little lost at first. Wanting to hide in my introvert cave because meeting new people isn’t always that much fun. But with that indifference I never allowed for the beautiful feeling of heart connection to fully blossom regardless of space and time. A connection that comes from the heart, from the soul - it doesn’t need physical closeness. It blossoms through the energy that I send out to the person that I love and the energy they send back. Always connected. And these connections are what I cherish. These are the people that I hold close to my heart, always. These are the beautifully effortless connections that are nourishing and uplifting. Comforting. Always there.
I have a pattern of 'out of sight out of mind’. I used to be in a state of denial about this, thinking it makes me a bad person that doesn’t care. I would push myself to stay connected with people that I love through calling, social media, skyping and what not. But if it doesn’t come naturally and effortlessly, it drains my energy. There is no good or bad, no black or white. Most people might say this isn’t a good pattern and it might seem like I don’t care - most likely it feels this way to some of the people concerned and loved dearly.
But I am effortless. My life is effortless. Things flow effortlessly. And that’s where I feel authentic to my Self. I don’t push. I don’t force. I let. Allowing the flow of life to unfold like the ocean allows the waves to be powerful or gentle. To be high or shallow. To take life or give life.
I cherish these beautiful heart connections because they are effortlessly nurturing. Effortlessly comforting. Effortlessly THERE. Always. It’s a give and take of love energy. That doesn’t require a call once a week. Or a text every day. And today I hold so so much gratitude for all the people in my life that share this beautiful heart space with me. And I want to apologise to you. If you ever felt like I didn’t care. I do. If you ever felt like I didn’t think about you. I do. If you ever felt like I don’t love you. I do. Dearly!
Impermanence. The core essence of understanding life and how a state of balance is held. Accepting impermanence and letting go. Letting go of the mind stuff. The heart connection stays, forever. It’s effortless and so deeply nourishing. It doesn’t need letting go because that’s our natural innate state of being. We are one. Connected by the heart. Connected through our soul. A connection that might have the capacity to transcend impermanence. What a comforting thought.
I love you.
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I enjoy studying, creating, exploring and most importantly eating nutritious food and balancing my life with yoga.